The Remembrance Codes

Lilith's Return: When Comfort Becomes Your Prison

• Susan Sutherland

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This lesson arrived with clarity but was among the toughest to walk through. I couldn't breathe in my perfectly comfortable life. Not because something was wrong, but because I finally saw the velvet cage I'd been living in. The soft, familiar prison I'd mistaken for safety.

Lilith holds the energy of the untamed, uncaged woman... she invites us into boldness, authenticity, wild, sovereign freedom. Lilith had returned, not to praise me for escaping obvious constraints, but to show me how I'd been dimming my light in my own home. 

She showed me that there is a kind of prison that doesn’t look like one at all. It feels soft, familiar, even safe. Yet it is the very thing that keeps us small.  Perhaps the most dangerous constraints are not the obvious ones, but the ones we grow accustomed to. The ones we decorate. The ones we call “comfort.” 

What happens when the life that feels safe is actually what’s keeping you from your fullest expression? Where have you been dimming your light in order to belong, to keep the peace, or to stay comfortable?

This is not a conversation about breaking free in rage - it is an invitation to notice, to name, and to uncage yourself bar by bar..... because many of the bars, are of your own making.

Speaker 1:

Not all prisons wear iron bars. Some are lined with velvet, soft to touch, familiar in their weight. You tell yourself it is comfort, you tell yourself it is safety. But listen closely. The velvet muffles your voice, it dims your flame, it shrinks your body until you forget its true shape, your body, until you forget its true shape.

Speaker 1:

Today I want to bring you back into the room with Lilith, not the mythic figure that has been demonized, but the archetype that refuses to be caged. I shared a story and a transmission from her previously on the podcast, but to not bring this next part through is to seriously discount the impact of her frequency, particularly in my life. And this time I am not going to wait years to share, because when she returned to me it was not to praise me for breaking free of a cage with obvious bars, it was actually to show me the velvet ones, the cage so soft and so familiar that I didn't recognize I was trapped. I shared that Lilith episode with hesitation because I was walking through a very intense journey when I posted that. But when I recorded that I shared my vow that I would never choose comfort inside of a cage. I said it and I meant it, and then my own voice echoed back to me for days and Lilith started showing me this velvet cage that I still call home. It's soft and it's comfortable, but it is still a cage. And as she did, this space around me started shrinking. The air was leaving the room, it felt tight, it felt difficult, the air started leaving my lungs and pressure was building in me until action was unavoidable. Sparks flew again, but this time it wasn't from a wall outlet, it was from within. I had claimed that I would not dim for the sake of belonging, but then I was able to see that in my own home I allow only a fraction of myself to be seen. I got to where I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep and nothing had changed in my home except my awareness, and the discomfort was crazy. So that is what I am talking about today.

Speaker 1:

I feel like I have lived a decade in the past month and a half, but this is about not walking away from thorns or barbs or metal bars. Not walking away from thorns or barbs or metal bars, but recognizing when we have become complacent and stagnant and dimmed within a soft and comfortable and inviting environment. Lilith taught me that the velvet cage is the most insidious of prisons because it doesn't hurt, at least not in the obvious ways. It may look like stability and approval, belonging and security. It may even feel good at times, but slowly it asks you to dim yourself, to contort, to stay quiet in exchange for comfort.

Speaker 1:

I have been giving Mark so much credit for not preventing my walk. He doesn't get in my way, he doesn't say anything about what I'm doing on my spiritual journey, but what I realized is he doesn't know me. As Lilith entered the picture, I started seeing that we get along, we are friends, we are co-parents, we are roommates, but that's it, because intimacy, a sacred partnership, requires witnessing and I was still showing up as the person he knew, not the one that I am. And there have been enough eye rolls along the way, gentle mocking, that I checked my true identity, the channel, the scribe, the mystic, the teacher. I check her at the door when I'm engaging with him and he and I had a conversation about it. I said I'm not witnessed in my home and he was like yes, but it's like you're a Spanish speaker in an English home and I get that Like. Sometimes I have to speak English in my home, but if you can't ever speak your native tongue, you never feel the fullness of your authenticity.

Speaker 1:

The weeks that followed were so challenging because the air was being sucked away, but there was no fight, there was no argument, there was no disagreement, there was no conflict creating this. It was just the realization of the velvet cage that I was in, and a while ago I was shown a dot to dot, like a little dot to dot picture, as an explanation of how we navigate our soul's destined path and free will. The dots on the page are your destiny. These are the experiences, the relationships, the catalysts that are part of your soul's agreement for expansion and expression. This is your course load. This is what you signed up for. Now, how you navigate between those dots, this is what you signed up for. Now, how you navigate between those dots, that's your free will. You can go from dot to dot in a straight line if you want to. You can squiggle around the whole page making crazy circles everywhere before you get there. That is your choice, that is your free will.

Speaker 1:

And in the time following Lillith's arrival, I was shown divorce on my dot-to-dot, and it was shown with certainty and I understood that our relationship had so many wonderful parts that I could choose to walk with grace, holding those parts with care and building a new structure with them that would hold our love in a different container, or I could wait for the bulldozer to come through and force the arrival at the predestined dot. I had endless conversations with my higher self and I was trying to negotiate and bargain and keep life simple in my velvet cage, because the perch of that cage is soft and it is not nearly as easy to move from. I asked what would happen if I did not choose to go. And what followed were three days of the old mark, reactionary and temperamental and heavy energy that filled the space. And I knew I had no choice. I can keep the structure that works and see if I can shift it, or it will be contentious and awful. And I had been walking with Lilith and having her show me what this looks like. And she showed me a braid joined at the top and then a graceful unbraiding, a gentle unbraiding that keeps the structure while maintaining that bind at the top. And then I was shown the burning braid. Like you can either gently unravel it, or it could burn, or it could be so worn and damaged that none of the cords maintain their integrity, that they are all compromised because you didn't intentionally unbraid.

Speaker 1:

And I'm going through this week by week, in my own space, in my own heart, in my own head, and the pressure is building and my knowing was certain Tears are just spilling over many times a day While I contemplated hurting someone that I love. And finally Mark had to know what was going on, like he has witnessed me just breaking down in tears and he was stressed and I was stressed and crying and not sleeping and he no longer took I'm not ready to talk about it for an answer. And so I told him and I, you know, verbal vomited about the dot to dot and the braid, and and I blindsided him and of course he was angry and he was hurt and that began a whole new journey for us. The next day I had brunch with my sisters and my stepmom and I couldn't hold back my tears and I told them what was going on and I will shorten that story a little bit.

Speaker 1:

But what this whole process did was awaken us to this velvet cage and the withering of our relationship, not through argument but from normalcy, the social atrophy that we experience by not intimately connecting in presence and conversation, intimately connecting in presence and conversation. It made me admit to myself and to Mark and to my family, that I choose alignment, even if it doesn't make sense to others. I choose to walk my path, even if it means walking it alone, because I can no longer be contained. I got a call from my dad that was intended to support but was so thickly veiled in disappointment that the support was not felt. I got to tell my husband that what I do matters, that who I am matters, that this version is the real me and she is the one that will be present in my home.

Speaker 1:

I got to reckon with so many of the limitations that had been placed around my authentic self, living in the expectations of what life looks like and what marriage looks like. I faced the disappointment and the anger and the judgment that comes from choosing self over what is expected. I chose me, and Before, when it was obvious, because things were hard. But choosing me when things were running smoothly was a next level that I had not anticipated. But when your soul speaks like mine did the space tightening around me until I felt difficulty in breathing. Inaction was more difficult than action. What I did not anticipate at all was that there was a possibility that this was placed as a catalyst for us, that my soul knew how to get both of us kick-started instead of allowing the slow erosion that complacency and comfort allows.

Speaker 1:

I often say allow me to hear the whispers, so I don't need the grenade to get me on my path. And I thought, by leaving on good terms perhaps I was avoiding the grenade. But as our emotions calmed down and the air returned to my lungs, I could see that it was the grenade. The whispers had been there all along. The contraction that I felt when I suck back my knowing, the dimming that I feel, not sharing what I have been working on with those that I love the most, the expansiveness I feel on my Thursday consciousness conversations, calls, when I'm speaking without translating, when I'm witnessing without explaining how or why I know things. I could see that there have been whispers. I could look back and see when I felt like I was living as my truest self, and it was never in the presence of Mark. Mark did surprise me and said that he would really like to know the real me, the full expression of me, and then he can decide if it's too much. And so we have been on a very interesting new walk of getting to know each other beyond logistics, beyond household shared responsibility, beyond household shared responsibility, having deep, meaningful conversations. And this has been our new walk Intentional, connecting and intimacy, and me sharing what I'm doing and him learning and witnessing me.

Speaker 1:

Previously, I waited for years for the dust settled before I shared my story, but I'm doing it now because, quite honestly, some of you need to check your cages too, so I'm going to share a bit about how we are walking through this process together as a guide and a mirror for you. We are currently dismantling the velvet cage so that I can feel untethered, that my life can feel unscripted by what society has deemed normal or standard, and that we can have a relationship that, in reality, is much more honest and free because we choose each other daily. Now, weeks in, I can tell you that we are closer because we have carved out that intentional time to connect, to share openly and get to know each other beyond our past experiences and expectations, beyond our household duties, beyond co-parenting. We need a relationship of depth, not logistics, and I've had to realize that sometimes I get the right sign but perhaps not the right interpretation. I don't know if that divorce dot still looms or if this was what it was meant to be as a catalyst.

Speaker 1:

I have realized that unbraiding wasn't about exclusively walking an untethered future, but untethering from the past version of myself. There are many relationships and many friendships that I had that fell away, not because anything was wrong, but because the relationship itself didn't evolve. And when I'm around those people I click back into a version of myself that I no longer identify as. But with Mark I haven't done that. I still contort into the smaller version. So his knowing of me has to evolve. He doesn't have to understand quantum physics, but he does need to understand me, and I have been so adamant and proud of myself to not force him to walk my path that I didn't realize that I walk it in secret to keep him from feeling uncomfortable.

Speaker 1:

That cage of containment was forcing me to fragment myself. I am fully myself by myself in my prayer room with my clients, but only what he is comfortable with the rest of the time. Woo, but not too woo. I walk the earth, but I don't tell him that it speaks to me. After I repeated that vow on the Lilith episode, that cage closed in and I can't do it anymore. I assumed that I had to choose between being myself fully and being married to him, but I've been seriously surprised so far. Been seriously surprised so far. Together, we are working on unbraiding from the expectation of showing up as who we were before or even pretending to know who we will be.

Speaker 1:

I am actively working on naming the bars of the velvet cage so that I can understand where I feel contained. We can't dismantle it until I know what that feels like, and this has been a practice, because I was going about my merry way in July, swear to you, everything felt good. But now I know that there are bars that would have been inscribed with his name and many with my own initials, self-imposed constraints that I have allowed to stay in place, not even recognizing that they are there. And then there are the societal norms that just don't work for me. I have been able to say what the bars are, how I must address them first and what his role in this is. This is the real work. This has been a process of getting to know myself. What triggers me or makes my field contract, what makes it expand, and how do I explain that to him, how do I allow him to witness me in my fullness. So, just for an example, I will share two of the bars that I have found on my velvet cage so you understand this work and how we're working through it. And there are many and we are still working through them together intentionally. But I feel like if I share this with you you will start to acknowledge where this velvet cage is constraining you. Maybe you don't need to blow up your marriage I mean, maybe you do but the point is you start recognizing where you are meant to be, wild and free and sovereign, and then you choose to walk beside someone, not in the containment of what society has prescribed as the way.

Speaker 1:

The cage Y'all. Many of the caged birds sing Perfect, great, but many of us lose our song, our fullness, our breath when we feel caged. So we have to witness the components that are locking us down. One of the reminders that came to me as I was walking through this is the circus elephant. And when the circus elephant is small, they keep it on a chain and it can't go away. And it learns that the chain means it can't walk away, that the chain means it can't walk away, and later this massive elephant, not recognizing its own power is held by that same chain. It is conditioned to be powerless, and that is what I have done. I have not even tried to see if some of the bars were brittle, dissolvable. I just accepted them and carried on because it was comfortable enough Until it became uncomfortable enough.

Speaker 1:

One of the bars for me is the bar of financial restraint. Mark and I have enough. We have more than enough. We are doing very well and in most of my life I feel extremely comfortable. But I feel monitored and restrained when I spend money on anything that involves this work my work of purpose, because work looks different to him. He is a successful business owner. He is an entrepreneur and spending money within your work has ROI. He knows how to see ROI only as monetary and not energetic, not as impact. I feel like I have to justify money spent on a thumbnail designer or a video editor, but not on a massage or a new outfit. He is fine for me to spend, but spending on my work isn't justified when there is not a monetary benefit for doing so. So when I think of how being separated or divorced would feel freer than I feel with him, one of the big bars was this financial constraint, I would have no, none, zero problems spending my money supporting the work that I do. I feel that I have money because this work is supported, money because this work is supported and that I am to have time and resources to allow what wants to come through me to do so, and I wouldn't blink about it.

Speaker 1:

By my identifying that bar, we were able to talk about what my business is, what it means to me, how I do spend money, how I would spend money, and he was able to look at these conversations that we had had previously and see how I would feel restrained, serving my purpose as he collects luxury items, and we started figuring out what it would look like to allow me freedom within our relationship that supports my purpose financially. I had to be willing to name it, he had to be willing to receive it and we have to be willing to work together to dismantle the bar. The next one that I would say would apply to even more people is the bar of household identity. In my home, I am wife and I am mother, and those are great roles, but they are relational. They are who I am in relation to others, but they are not who I am in the essence of my soul. I am a mystic, I am a scribe, I am a teacher, I am all of those things and none of those things when I lose the labels. But wife and mother do not touch on the me. That is me without them, and she needs to be seen.

Speaker 1:

So when I started looking at this bar, it got complicated. We have such definitions about what those roles look like and how you can be a good wife and a good mother, and I was so trapped in those roles that when a family member asked me about my day, I start justifying my existence by listing the tasks that I accomplished in support of family or in support of home. I went to the grocery store, I did the laundry, I got the kids to sports, I made dinner. Great, susan, well done. You earned a gold star as wife and mother, and I truly do believe that mothering is priestess work. But what I would fail to mention is that I spent three hours writing reflections on the inner walk that could help others on their walk of remembrance. I didn't mention that I channeled Amelia Earhart in my car while I waited on soccer practice. To finish, I don't mention that I recorded a teaching for my Patreon community. I leave out the stuff that matters, because that role had been hidden. I don't say what is present in the field or what I can read out of what I thought was respect for them, but now I know it was auto-dimming.

Speaker 1:

A lot of what is required for this bar to be dismantled is to be witnessed in fullness by my family, but that means I have to be willing to show them. It means that, instead of reciting our standard monotonous prayer at dinner, when it's my turn to pray I do it from the heart, like I do every other meal, that I sit by myself. It means, instead of saying I'm going upstairs to work, I say that I'm going to allow the feminine voices to come through me for a bit. It means when Mark zins to me about something, I can ask him if he would like me to reflect back what I see, allowing me to share my knowing when he is ready to receive it. I can't ask them to see what I am not willing to show them. And that's the funny thing about these cages Often they are of our own making. There are many more bars that we are working on slowly dismantling the cage I found myself in dismantling the cage I found myself in. I am quite amazed to have a partner that deals with shrapnel from grenades so incredibly well, but we are both using our newest Lilith moment as a catalyst for individual and couple transformation. The image I was given was a tightrope walker with someone walking beside with the extended hand, and their presence is there to support, to give a balance check, but the walk is hers. If he climbs on the rope, they both go down, but they can walk beside, sovereign and free, together, by choice, not obligation, as Lilith reminded me this time.

Speaker 1:

Not all prisons wear iron bars. Some are lined with velvet, soft to touch, familiar in their weight. You tell yourself it is comfort, you tell yourself it is safety. But listen closely. The velvet muffles your voice, it dims your flame, it shrinks your body until you forget its true shape. Do not confuse softness with freedom. Do not mistake comfort for truth. Better the open air of uncertainty than the gilded cage of silence. Better the trembling step into the unknown ground than the false security of walls that keep you small.

Speaker 1:

The invitation here is not to condemn the velvet cage after all, it was chosen at some point for a reason but to recognize what once served as protection may now be limitation, to remember that you were never meant to stay hidden in comfort. When your soul longs for the open sky, recognize where comfort has you settling into containers that should no longer hold you, rooms that you contort to walk into, shape-shifting into versions of you that no longer feel right. Be brave. Often the work of uncaging is realizing. We put the bars up ourselves. Don't be the elephant conditioned to stay, not knowing that it always had the power to walk away. Until next week, fly free.

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Susan Sutherland

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